When a relationship ends, I bet all your
friends and family tell you to “just get over it”.
Or maybe they use that old platitude, “there are
plenty more fish in the sea”.
What they don’t seem to get is that you don’t
want just ANY fish. You want THAT PARTICULAR fish.
And you’re prepared to do just about anything to
get him or her back again.
You know something? The end of a relationship
isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can be looked at
as an opportunity. A GIFT, even. You’re being
given the opportunity to fix your relationship -
to figure out what went wrong, and how to never,
ever let it happen again.
You can use this opportunity to make things
BETTER than they ever were before. And when you’ve
dealt with all the emotions and done all the work
you need to, then it’s time to get your lover
I can tell you exactly how to do this. You CAN
win back the love of your ex – and I can tell you
exactly how to do so. The book is called “2nd
Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex” and
it’s a practical how-to guide to getting your
lover back. That means that I don’t just tell you
how to THINK about the situation you’re in – I
tell you precisely what to do to win back the love
of your ex.
If you’re interested in healing your
relationship pain, understanding WHY the two of
you broke up, and welcoming your ex back into your
life, then check out the book here:
When a relationship ends, it feels as though
the world’s been turned upside down. Suddenly,
everything that is familiar and precious has
vanished. All that’s left is the cold, insensitive
It’s scary, it’s horrible … and it’s your new
With a head full of confusion and a heart full
of pain, the one question on your mind is: “How
can I fix this situation RIGHT NOW?”
During the initial shock and confusion of a
break-up, it’s common for the one left behind to
shelve logic and common sense, and focus instead
on the emotional side of things. Like pain. Anger.
Hurt. Grief. Betrayal. Shock.
And with this whirling inferno of negative
emotions comes another strong reaction: denial.
You want to know how to get your ex back and
stop the pain of this break up. Preferably, as
soon as possible. It hurts way, way too much to
allow this situation to continue for one SECOND
longer than it absolutely has to.
There’s no time to consider whether or not the
end of the relationship might actually be a good
thing in the long run. You’re in far too much pain
to think about what it was that made your partner
so unhappy that they chose to end the relationship
rather than try to fix things.
Grief is the most painful of all emotions. And
when you’re in its grip, all that matters is
stopping the pain. NOW.
As far as you can see, the easiest way to stop
the pain of a break-up is to fix the relationship
– to get your lover back, and get rid of this
awful, agonizing, ever-present sorrow.
Unfortunately, fixing a broken relationship is
not all that easy. As Greg Behrendt and Amira
Ruotola-Behrendt, authors of “It’s Called A Breakup Because
It’s Broken” say, relationships end for a reason.
Even if YOU feel like the relationship was the
most perfect relationship in the history of the
world, IT CLEARLY WASN’T.
Because, for one person in that relationship-
that’s 50% of the partnership – things were bad
enough for them to end it.
Not try to fix it. Not “take a break”. But
actually consider what you have to offer them,
decide against it, and cut their losses now.
Today, we’re going to take a look at how to
cope with the confusion, anxiety, and grief that
ensue when a relationship ends. To illustrate,
I’ve included a question from one of our readers -
a question that, with slight variations, has to be
one of THE MOST COMMON questions of all when
dealing with a relationship break-up.
This one’s from Natalie, and she writes:
I think I screwed up … and I need some help. A
great relationship that I have just been in for
the past three years has recently ended. He was
the one who ended it not me.
We have been apart for a month now and we still
stay in touch … he says he wants us to be friends.
A couple of times we’ve slept together since the breakup
and he says that although he still really cares about me,
that it was just sex and he doesn’t want us to get back
Here is my question Mia: are we going to
get back together? Surely because he wants to be
friends and we are still sleeping together, that
means there is a chance and that I am still in his
heart as he is in mine? Do you think that he still
thinks about me as a potential girlfriend?
Our relationship was so great, all I want is to get
him back again, and I think that because he is
still thinking about me that this must be
Please tell me what to do to get our relationship
back on track. And thank you very much for all your other
help in books newsletters etc, it is very helpful to me.
Slow down here a moment. What you need to do is
take a deep breath and calm down.
Just from the few lines that you’ve written in to me,
I can tell you several things that are very clear to an
1. He does NOT still love you, and he does NOT
think of you as a potential girlfriend. He doesn’t
even think of you as a friend, let alone potential
2. He does still think about you, but this
doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It just means
that you’re entering his headspace now and again.
3. You are too sad from the ending of the
relationship to make good decisions for yourself
right now. You need to ask someone close to you
for some advice and ongoing support as you
extricate yourself from this emotional mess.
Allow me to clarify each of these points.
Point 1: How can I tell that he does not still
love you? Well, firstly because he says so.
Secondly, because of the way he’s treating you. He
might be saying that he would like the two of you
to be friends – but pay attention to his ACTIONS,
not his WORDS.
Is he behaving how a true friend would? No. He
is not. He’s causing you pain and confusion, and
is allowing you to hope that the two of you will
mend your broken relationship. That’s not
friendship, that’s plain selfishness.
Even putting aside the fact that the two of you
are still sleeping together every now and then,
there is NO WAY that the relationship you have
right now could be termed a “friendship” by
A friendship is all about trust, respect, and
mutual PLATONIC enjoyment of one another’s
company. Friends are understanding, generous, and
kind to one another.
A friendship does not inflict pain on either of
the people involved in it.
By these measures alone, the truth is that
NEITHER of you are prepared to be friends.
As for your ex, I’m sorry to say that he is
using you at the moment. He’s using you as a
“safety measure” – he knows that he made the right
decision for himself by choosing to end the
relationship, but he enjoys the safety-net of
having you there in the background.
Having you around means that he doesn’t ever
have to fear being truly alone. After all, if
things don’t work out for him as a single man, or
with any other girlfriends he might be keeping on
the side, he knows that he could always try going
back to you again for some quick sex, affection,
or an ego-boost.
And as for you yourself: you are clearly not
ready for a friendship with your ex, either.
You’re using the opportunity that this
“friendship” presents to keep your ex in your life
at any cost. You’re not wanting to be true
friends. You are merely using the term
“friendship” to hide behind as you try to figure
out a way to get the two of you back together
This will only cause you pain in the long run,
because it’s allowing you to fool yourself that
the relationship is not really “over” – when, in
fact, it IS.
It’s confusing when you have to differentiate
someone’s INTENTIONS from their ACTIONS.
For example, when your ex tells you that he
still cares about you and wants to be your friend,
but then complicates matters by sleeping with you
and explaining that he doesn’t love you any more,
it is very hard on you.
It’s difficult for someone who is so
emotionally involved in the situation to see
things clearly, which is why I’m so glad you’ve
written in and asked for an objective opinion.
Point 2: Yes, he still thinks about you.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that he wants to
get back together with you – or even that he
particularly cares for your welfare or happiness.
Everyone thinks about exes from time to time.
Depending on the circumstances of the breakup,
they might think of an ex with fondness,
bitterness, sadness, or even rage – but none of
these things mean that the two of you will get
In your case, he’s thinking of you for the
simple fact that you were a major part of his life
for a long time. It would be very difficult for
him to NOT think of you every now and then. It
doesn’t mean he still loves you, and it doesn’t
mean that he wants to get back together with you.
Point 3: You’re not in a good place emotionally
right now. It’s difficult for you to disengage
your emotions enough to understand what you need
to do to preserve your own best interests here.
If you were seeing things clearly, you’d see
what doubtless all your friends and family members
can see: that your ex has NO intention of getting
back together with you.
That he’s simply using you as the “soft option”
until someone better comes along.
That staying in touch with him is actually
HARMING YOU, and is prolonging the grieving
Fact: you need to make a clean break with your
old relationship. This means no contact of any
sort with your ex (and yes, text messages, email,
and voicemail all count as contact.)
I know that this will be painful for you. The
end of a cherished relationship is always a bloody
thing, even when that ending is for the best. You
will have to be strong.
Here’s a fact that will help: by making a clean
break, you’re actually choosing the option that’s
the LEAST painful in the long run.
Yes, it will hurt more RIGHT NOW than if you
were to continue to see him, and to sporadically
do things that give you false hope (like sleeping
But eking out that contact, is actually making
the break-up itself a lot more drawn-out and
painful than it needs to be. It’s putting off the
day when you’ll be able to say to yourself, “I’m
over him”. It’s sacrificing your long-term
happiness, simply in order to delay the evil day
of acceptance a little bit longer.
It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid: a quick rip,
an “ouch”, and then …. nothing but healthy,
healed, smooth flesh underneath.
You need to write your ex an email or a letter
and explain to him that you’ve made a decision to
cease all contact from here on. Explain that
you’ve made this decision because you’re looking
out for your own best interests, and that it’s
simply too difficult to come to terms with the end
of the relationship when you’re still hanging out
– even if it’s only “as friends”.
Ask that he respects your wishes, and – as a
nice touch – wish him all the best for his future.
Then sign off, send it, and congratulate
yourself. You’ve just taken the first step towards
assuming emotional responsibility for yourself and
your own life – and you’ve made yourself available
for when REAL happiness comes knocking!
And rest assured, it will. Despite the pain,
despite the anguish and agony you’re enduring
right now, there will come a moment when you
realize you’ve come through the worst. Light,
love, and hope will re-enter your life. You will
come through this experience stronger and better
than you were before. You’ll have learned valuable
life lessons, and you’ll be truly ready to welcome
someone who deserves you, and all you have to
offer, into your life.
Breakups are painful. It’s all too easy to
blame yourself, to assume culpability where you
shouldn’t, and to believe yourself to be at fault
– when actually, you were not.
To make sure you stay on the right track and
don’t allow the uncertainty and confusion of a
breakup to damage your ability to learn and grow
from the experience, keep your confidence and
happiness levels sky-high. Arm yourself with the
right information at a time when you need it the most
Excerpt from Mirabelle Summers